Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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