the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
