Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
