We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
