I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
