It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
