My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
then he tried to convert me to islam
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
