we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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