OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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