ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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