I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
