If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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