i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
