Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
