Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
