I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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