I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
