Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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