i just wanna soil my oats bro
so explain again why im purple
no
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
