Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
