I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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