She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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