Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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