Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
