Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
