Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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