He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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