if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
