You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
