There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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