Don't make out with my wife yet
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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