We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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