true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
