i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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