Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
