I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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