The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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