who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Come see our sink grown plant.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
