He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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