normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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