pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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