Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
