and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In other news, I just burned my penis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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