i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
