I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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