Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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