Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
