I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
