Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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