if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
