Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
