I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
