All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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