Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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