my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
