so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
