My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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