i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
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