I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
