This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
